My life has improved massively over the past few months. I've got a sweet new apartment in a stunning, safe, diverse, and young part of the city. My BOYFRIEND Danny and I are more serious than ever. I'm back to work on several writing gigs. It feels good. It feels like me again.
I still have my moments. Every once in awhile, something hits me wrong and I topple down the rabbit hole of anxiety and depression and lose the entire day to sadness. It can be anything - a Facebook post or a spontaneous vivid memory. Usually, it's something Danny says.
I used to be hyper sensitive about everything he said because I was extremely full of self-loathing and doubt, and I couldn't believe he wanted to be with me. Because he wasn't affectionate, it was easy to see our relationship this way. Over the past few months, he's barely been able to keep his hands off me. It is truly like he's been bitten by some fairy - he compliments me, reaches out to me, begs to see me...all things that may seem normal in a typical romance, but in eight months, Brent and Danny have never come close to typical.
Did I mention we've been having sex?
It's great. Like super great. I'm really awkward, and I hate my body, and I'm self-conscious about how sweaty I get and how long I last. But sex with Danny is awesome. It's nothing like the "anal sex !!! " I had created in my mind. It's honestly cleaner than most hetero sex I've had.
And Danny and I want each other. It's over the top. Our faces lock almost the entire time. There is biting. Kissing. Accidentally drooling. OMG this is turning into softcore porn, and I am not here for that.
I haven't been able to get a job since moving back to the city, which has caused a lot of stress. But I'm soldiering on, making it work with odd jobs and such. I haven't had to sell my body yet, though there have been a few tempting offers.
I feel like I've lost a lot of friends. My birthday, which was earlier this month, put that on full display. I didn't know who to invite. I felt an edge of competition since Danny's birthday was only two months before, and his celebration had a massive turnout. I'm a working artist, god dammit. I have a ton of friends too !!
And I do. And so many of them are wonderful. Some of my best friends turned out for my birthday and some couldn't make it. But of the group that was there, the energy was just...odd. The superficiality of the relationships that were once convenient and were now meaningless couldn't be ignored. I've realized that part of growing up means putting work into everything. It takes work to have friends. It takes work to have fun. To be happy. To love.