I have been very bad and haven't written anything in six weeks. I guess it's somewhat narcissistic to even think anyone may have noticed. One of the main reasons for my absence is that this writing was cathartic for me, and then it wasn't. So I stopped.
Sometimes I wish I had more to say. I miss the feeling of publishing a post after working hard to perfect it, and the support it'd received after going live. I miss getting messages - some telling me to ditch Danny, some telling me to give him another chance.
So here's your update. We're together. We're more together than we ever have been. After my trip, he broke down and told me he made a mistake. That he needed me in his life. That he didn't know what he had until it was gone.
I couldn't help but feel that he would stop feeling this way once I was interested again. I told him I wasn't sure. That this was confusing for me. Only a month before this, he had told me he was absolutely positive that he didn't want to be with me.
That shit is hard to shake off.
I told him that I wanted to see him, and have him in my life, but that was all I could commit to at that point with where I was emotionally. About a week later, my feelings returned in full. I was still trying to be cautious, so I didn't tell him that, but I knew. And after crying about something random, I told him that I didn't like the idea of him seeing other people anymore.
He told me he didn't want to talk about it.
So I kept seeing other people - well, one other person. After one final indulgence in New York City, I swore off random hook ups for good. They didn't make me feel good, and I was feeling like I was in a decent enough place where I didn't really need them for validation anymore. But then Danny and I were fighting about something stupid and I was feeling shitty and I knew I'd feel better if someone made me feel desirable. Or, honestly, just wanted to spend time with me.
James messaged me on Grindr. He's got an incredible body and he loves to show it off. We had a lot of fun together, and we're still friends. But I had to stop seeing him romantically when Danny flat-out asked me to be exclusive with him before I left town for a five-week gig across the country. I had to think long and hard about this. Do I love Danny? Of course I do. Do I see us working out in the long run? I don't know. He makes me laugh, I love having his arms around me more than anything. It's cliche as fuck, but I get lost in his eyes and dimples and love kissing his lips more than anyone else's. James, while a 10 on the sexy scale, just didn't do it for me. We like all of the same things. We had a few sleepovers, which Danny won't even consider. James compliments me constantly, tells his friends about me, does things for me and buys me things. He is, by-the-book, a perfect boyfriend - and when I told him I was getting back with Danny, he told me he had wanted to be with me in that way.
I can't help but wonder what sort of happiness I'm walking away from...but nothing makes me happier right now than to feel like Danny's special person.
I wish I knew why.
I went to Danny's birthday and met all of his friends. I had talked about this in therapy for two months leading up to it because I was so terrified to meet them. It went amazingly. I was a hit, apparently. Danny then joined me for a show I produced and met a lot of people that are very special to me, too. We're exclusive, and now we know each other's friends, and we even swapped items for my trip so that we'd have something to look at when we miss each other.
I want to vomit, too. But love makes you squishy sometimes.
I miss him a lot, among many other people I left behind. I have an irrational fear that everyone will realize they don't need me in their lives while I'm gone. I know that's ridiculous, but I can't shake it. I guess I sort of feel like I'm always holding everyone back or getting in the way. I've been doing better since starting Lexapro two months ago, but I'm still struggling with being able to believe someone may enjoy my company.
I love the project I'm working on out west, and everyone is absolutely lovely. I'm hoping to ditch these sad thoughts soon, but maybe I'm being too hopeful.
I think I just want to know that the people back home notice that I'm gone.
to be continued, i promise.