When Katie and I split last fall, I was positive that I was ready to jump into my "slutty" phase. To be clear, having a lot of sex is not a bad thing. It had never been my thing, per se, but I absolutely saw the appeal to the lifestyle. After almost six years with one partner, that's what I wanted. Right?
If you've read my previous posts, you'll know that I gave it a go. You'll also know that the second person that I met to hook up with was Danny, and we ended up dating for four months. It turned out that I wanted a partner. And I didn't just want a wonderful, supportive significant other - I desperately wanted them to fill the void that Katie had left. I wanted a partner that I saw every day, texted constantly, and did almost nothing without. Who knew that I was secretly a serial monogamist?
Danny ended things in a very sudden way. I was absolutely shattered. He meant well, but he hurt me very badly. In addition to being blindsided, I had also never been broken up with. It was very hard for me to understand that someone could just not want to be with me in that way anymore. It wouldn't compute. Especially because I felt that I had made so many concessions with him to make things work - I had basically lost my opinions completely for fear of striking a nerve. I was willing to date someone almost exclusively out of the public eye. And, the hardest one for me, I gave up sexual (and almost all physical) contact for the last two and half months of the relationship.
So the thought that he may have ended things so that he could go hook up with someone else (a silly conclusion to jump to, but in an emotional state anything seems rational) made me want to shatter every piece of glass in a five mile radius. I needed to make sure that I did it first. I needed to feel like I could be desirable to someone. I needed to know that someone would touch me because they wanted to.
And after the first one? I realized how easy it was. I began my adventures of meeting six men in the course of one week, for various reasons and activities. If you're wondering - yes. I am aware of how unhealthy it is to use random strangers to fill an unfillable part of me. But it became like a drug - with each hit I took, I felt hotter. Sexier. More important to society. And I felt like I could maybe even believe that Danny made a mistake in ending things with me. Because...maybe...I could do better.
Here are my gentleman callers alongside some pictures that look kinda like them, and fake names. Things to note: The list goes from worst to best. The rating is for MY overall experience, and bears nothing on how attractive or kind they were/are. My profile picture showed only my torso, and you'd have to butter me up before seeing my face. And lastly, I am very up front when speaking with another man that I will not, by any means, be having anal sex with them. I'm sure it has some kind of effect on the type of guys that would actually like to meet me.
Hope you enjoy my psychological breakdown!
6. Sweaty Northwestern 0/10
You guys, this shit was so bad that I called my best friend right after to talk me down from an emotional explosion in the middle of the street. I had been talking to another guy named TJ earlier in the night - he had a nice body and made decent conversation. We made jokes about watching HGTV together and he was planning to come over around 11. By the time midnight came around, I realized that I'd been ditched, leading to a momentary feeling of betrayal. "How could he do that?" I thought. "Why wouldn't he just tell me nevermind?" But this was a hookup app, and this man owed me nothing. In a twist of fate, Sweaty Northwestern shot me a message. He had an athletic body and some cool tattoos, but I felt less than nothing in my pants imagining engaging with him. In fact, I didn't want to at all. But I had gotten cleaned up and pretty for TJ, and he never came. So Sweaty Northwestern would have to do.
I met him at his dorm (don't worry, he lives in a single) and, to be honest, I really only went with it because I saw a Wendy Davis bumper sticker in the background of his selfie, and she's a fucking feminist icon. He had worked on her campaign and met her, so even though I was 0% attracted to him, I felt like I was getting an exclusive glimpse at her pink tennis shoes. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're wrong. Google that shit and be inspired.
His room was hot and incredibly messy. His facial hair repulsed me, and his voice was nothing like I thought it would be. But I told myself I could get into it. I told myself that I had come too far to back out now. That it wouldn't be fair to him to lead him on. He kissed me.
I couldn't even pretend to be into it, so I started creatively hiding my face from him. He was so sweaty. So, so sweaty. I didn't want him to touch me at all. But there he was, touching me, and I was just trying to escape mentally enough to finish and leave. I did. He didn't ask me to touch him. I'm almost positive that I wouldn't have even if he had asked. After I left, he messaged me his number. I blocked him. I think I may have cried in the shower, but I don't remember for sure. I was repulsed by him, and myself. And I was seriously pissed at TJ. Which brings me to...
5. TJ 2/10
TJ messaged me from the app the following morning saying he had fallen asleep the night before, but wanted to make it up to me. I was annoyed, but he did have a nice body. And I'd do anything to wash the taste of Sweaty Northwestern out of my life for good.
We were both free for an hour in the afternoon, and he offered to come to my place. I made another joke about watching HGTV, and got ready to meet him. He showed about 20 minutes late, of course, and was awkward but kind. He also looked five years younger in person than in his pictures. He was 27, he said. I flashed back to meeting a kid in a dorm the night before. I think he said he was a sophomore...does that make him 19? Jesus, Brent. Get your shit together.
TJ and I watched HGTV. He played a bit with the dog. I didn't care that we didn't hook up - but if we were just going to hang out, why didn't we do coffee or something? I asked him what he did for work, but he only commented on whatever the Property Brothers were doing at the time. I asked him his plans for the rest of the day, and he explained that the price of the house they were selling would have been 1.5x higher in any other part of the country. Before the episode even ended, he said it was time to go. That was fucking weird. He messaged me later to say it was nice to meet me. Was it?
4. the cuban model 5/10
I accidentally got onto an express train the other night. I was staying at a friend's place, and thought it may be fun to try to meet someone from the other area, so I got back onto that gross hook up app. But there didn't seem to be anyone around, and things weren't looking great for my evening.
By another odd twist of fate, I got a ton of enticing offers while stuck on the express train going through so many different parts of the city. But I wasn't going to meet someone down here when I was staying so far north...it would be terribly inconvenient. But then, you guys. This Cuban model messaged me. He had a body that would be considered top notch even in Hollywood. I messaged him back, because you literally only live once.
Me: you know i'm not like ripped like you right?
Him: i don't care about ripped just toned lol
My internal journal: I feel like I'm still more flabby than toned?
Him: Have any other pictures?
I did. I sent them.
Him: yeah let's meet.
His muscles kind of intimidated me. But I think that was in a fun way. And plus, what a great story this would be! This guy had a body anyone interested in men would drool for, and he wanted to fool around with your's truly. So I told myself I would get into it. I took a quick shower, chugged at least four or five shots of whiskey at once, and ran back to the train for his place. He told me to go outside of his window, and he threw the key down to me. That was weird.
I went into his studio. It was small, but nice. And I appreciated the cleanliness. This was my first random encounter taking place somewhere other than my own home, and I knew seeing a nasty apartment would not entice me to get into someone's bed. But he smelled really good, and his place was so tidy. He showed me some of his print ads. I wasn't kidding when I told you he was a model!
I could get into this, I repeated. And plus, the drunk just hit me.
He told me to take my pants off, then my shirt. Once he saw my body, he still wanted to hook up with me. I told myself that it must be some sort of fetish for someone so attractive to hook up with someone so completely average. It was probably hot for him to think about how much someone as bland as I would enjoy it. Even though I didn't, really.
It was fine. He was really into it, and kept complimenting me. It felt nice in a way that I told myself it was supposed to. And I was able to get more into it, I think, because of the liquor.
He said he was 26, but I don't think that was true. He put his arm around me and asked if I wanted to stay. FUCK no, I thought. Cuddling is nice, but not with a stranger. And how many other people had left fluids and skin cells behind in this bed? My head was starting to throb. I needed water. And I needed to go. He sent me his number on the app. I blocked him.
3. arnold 6.5/10
Arnold and I had met on an app less known for hook-ups than for friends and dating. He asked if I wanted to stay in and watch a movie, and I explicitly told him I didn't want to hook up. I was tired in general, and also tired of half-heartedly throwing myself at menfolk.
He still wanted to hang out. Did I want to do dinner? Sure, why not? We met downtown. Was I extremely aware that this dude was only 20? Yes. Were these young boys a coincidence, or was it happening on purpose?
Honestly, I still don't know.
I got falafel, not even caring about how terrible my breath would be. I spent my entire relationship with Danny and the entire past week of hook ups constantly worrying about my appearance and smell, and because I was just meeting this dude with no specific intentions, I didn't have to worry about that.
After dinner, we went back to my place and watched a terribly shitty TV rom-com. It was fun. He put his head on me, which felt nice. I wasn't attracted to him, but it was fun to have a friend. And in my place of depression and loneliness, I was totally down for some platonic cuddles. Arnold no longer felt like a stranger, because we had actually just spent several hours together !! with our clothes on !!. After the movie he asked if I wanted to watch something else. We ended up watching seven episodes of Fresh Off the Boat in a row and he fell asleep. I didn't hate the idea of his staying the night...until 5am came around and I was still up thanks to his snoring and my limited bed space. But I told myself it was worth it to have someone close. I could nap the next day. Appreciate the closeness.
Had he left sooner in the morning, he would have gotten a higher score. But he stuck around, through my shower and dog walks, while I tidied up the apartment. He wanted to cuddle more, but I was stressed about various things and wanted to begin the day. He finally moved from the bed...and plopped in front of the TV. If only I had gotten to sleep, as he did, I may have been happier about hanging out in the morning.
Did I want to do brunch? Fuck no, dude. I want you to go. He gave me his number. I put it in my phone.
2. jamal 7.6/10
The funny thing about Jamal is that he actually messaged me the night that Danny broke up with me. He was in town for one more day, and wanted to meet up. Of course, had Danny not ended things, I never would have entertained the idea. But when Danny broke me, Jamal became the easiest and most perfect opportunity of them all.
First of all, he was visiting from out of town. So there was no chance of it becoming anything more than it was. Second of all, he looked exactly like Danny, except three inches taller and with this little thing called a six pack. Third, he was aggressively pursuing me, taking any and all pressure off of me to dictate how things would go. I stayed up the whole night (I ended up being awake for over 48 hours straight...guess I don't take break ups well) and messaged him at some point that, yes, I would like to meet him. Even though he was only 19. *silently judges myself*
He came over, and we Netflix & Chilled. It was relaxed, and he was really nice. I genuinely enjoyed the conversation, and even the hook up a little bit. It was just...friendly. There was no aggression, no expectation, just a genuine little moment. It felt like hooking up with a friend after months of denied sexual chemistry. It's hard to explain.
He left, and I brushed my teeth. I took the dog for a quick walk and gathered my things for a callback. To my absolute terror, I noticed that he had left his backpack behind. I panicked - he was leaving the state in the morning, and I had back-to-back auditions. I sent him a horror gif on Tinder (where we met) and let him know. He responded that he was still at the train, and could I bring it there?
I did. As if this wasn't already a bit of a sitcom - at this point, I meet this kid's friend. She's maybe 17. Then I meet her mother. Jamal had told them I'm an actor, how exciting! And I'm going to a callback, how fun! Would I like to come to Lou Malnati's with them?
I was caught between wanting to kill myself and telling everyone in the world about this ridiculous experience. I don't want to talk to any hook up ever again after the experience, and I especially don't want to meet his friend and her mother. We were stuck together for two trains and a ten minute delay. They were very sweet and engaging, but it was still a supremely weird finale for a random hook-up. Later on, he messaged me his number. I put it in my phone, and we're still talking. More on that later.
1. asian seth cohen 9/10
I feel kinda bad about listing more of a straight-up nasty encounter after two much more genuine experiences, but Asian Seth Cohen is like, so attractive, that he had to top the list. We had been chatting, and I kept waiting for him to realize that he was so far out of my league. He was bad at messaging back, but he always did. He asked if I'd want to cuddle and watch a movie. Assuming that just meant hook up, I said yes. Then he asked if I'd want to do dinner or something first. I did, actually, want to be seen in public with this guy. Even if going on a date sounded terrible. So I said yes. Dinner and drinks? Or dancing? I died. I could not possibly go dancing. I've got the moves of Chris Christie. I told him that. It just made him want to go dancing even more. He promised to get me really drunk. That he thought Dad Dancing was cute.
Why the fuck was this dude flirting with me?
I sent his pic to a few friends. "Ummm you have to meet him. He's hot!" one said. Another said he was "at least a 9." I wasn't making it up. I wasn't crazy! He was!
A terrible storm hit the city, and we decided to grab some booze at the store and watch a movie back and my place. I spent the entire evening waiting for him to realize he was wasting his time with such a mediocre person. We cuddled up on the couch, and threw the drinks back. We even did a shot, for some reason. And we eventually shifted to the bed.
Now, I was very, very intoxicated for this one. But I genuinely enjoyed it from start to..finish. (Sorry.) I had started to think that it wasn't possible. Was I just not into men, or was I something like Demisexual? I hadn't ever hooked up with Danny again after the feelings came along, and I knew I wasn't into it prior to that. So I had nothing to compare it to.
Asian Seth Cohen gave me his number. He told me he would see me again, which I found kind of hot. Like I didn't have a choice in the matter. That's kinda gross, but he's so attractive. And being wanted by someone so attractive makes you feel really fucking good, at least for a little while.
BONUS: donald, the reason I had to delete the app